


ephemeral

by loupettes



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Humor, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-22
Updated: 2020-10-22
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:41:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27151942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loupettes/pseuds/loupettes
Summary: Her shoulders tensed and she buried her face into the crook of his neck. He leant his head against hers and he was sure he was about to shatter. “You’re not my Doctor, are you?” She whispered so quietly, like she wanted him and only him to hear it.He felt that hold on his chest tighten, then loosen enough to assure her of that which was true. “I’ll always be your Doctor.”Ten x Rose, angst/fluff. Set between series 3&4
Relationships: Tenth Doctor/Rose Tyler
Comments: 9
Kudos: 60





	ephemeral

**Author's Note:**

> Dialogue prompt: "Fuck it".

“You really can’t stop yourself, can you?”

He froze. She was standing right there in front of him, in her room. Just as she had many other days before that. But it was _impossible_.

How in the world he didn’t shatter right there on the spot, he’ll never know. He’d simply opened a door and the next thing he knew she was there, talking to him. Apparently, like they _weren’t_ separated for the rest of their days by the callous cages of reality. He couldn’t even set his brain back into gear to try to understand exactly _what_ had just happened, _how_ it had just happened. Because every part of his body - every bloody cell, every nerve ending, every _thought_ \- was, in this moment, occupied entirely by _her_.

She was still talking, having not fully acknowledged him. Pottering away and folding her clothes and he knew that for her she’d seen him not much more than an hour ago. ““ _Just some rest tonight, Doctor”_ , I seem to recall myself saying. But nope, you gotta be around me. Can’t be without me. Didn’t even make it half an hour! Useless, you are.”

His ears were absorbing the timbre of her voice and processing the words _much_ slower than usual, but his eyes were fixed on her, processing the image of her near instantaneously, unbelieving though they were. Remembering her, out of desperate fear of her disappearing any second. And _her_ eyes, well, _those_ eyes could relieve a person’s soul if they should look their way kindly, with the kind of compassion and love that only Rose Tyler can bestow. And they did; they saved his soul every single day.

But her eyes turned narrow as she studied him cautiously. “Although I do have to wonder _why_ you’ve come to my room.” She put down the skirt she was folding and crossed her arms nervously. “And why you’re looking at me like I’ve just told you I want us to spend the week with mum and her new bloke.”

He couldn’t speak, he wasn’t sure he even knew how to. This was _impossible_ ; a cruel trick played on him by what he can only assume was the universe in her cruel quest for vengeance.

“Ok, yep, this is weird now. What’s going on? You’re weirding me out.”

He was just about able to shake his head, but that was it. Eyes still wide with stupor, his mouth still open in disbelief. Pleading for this to not be real because he couldn’t take it if it were. He wouldn’t be able to bear the weight of losing her all over again because he _will_ lose her again. He always does, in his past, in his nightmares. It was the way of the world; Rose Tyler could never _be_ without one day being lost to him.

She cautiously approached him, and he stepped back in response. Perhaps it was his hearts’ way of protecting themselves, using his body as a shield to create as much space, as much resistance, from pain as possible. She jolted back a little, surprised. “Doctor?”

He tried to form a word or even a sound, just _anything_ , but he was unable to. Her expression fell, and she walked over to him with strong, determined strides, taking him into her arms.

Oh, the _feel_ of her. _Her_. He thought it must have been his hearts’ desires here this time too, protecting themselves from the pain of being away from her, that made him cling to her that little bit tighter. Tighter than he could have ever felt possible; he thought perhaps the tighter he held her, the harder it would be for the universe to claw her away from him.

Her shoulders tensed and she buried her face into the crook of his neck. He leant his head against hers and he was _sure_ he was about to shatter. “You’re not _my_ Doctor, are you?” she whispered so quietly, like she wanted him and only him to hear it.

He felt that hold on his chest tighten, and then loosen. Enough to assure her of that which was true. “I’ll _always_ be your Doctor.”

The silence that followed pained him. She eventually sniffed, pulling him in even closer as he relaxed into her, holding him upright. He was afraid of this, of giving in. Because, after everything, after everything that had happened, he knew that it would be impossible to give her up again. But her feet tired of standing on their toes and he felt her try to balance her weight on each leg. So he held onto her just that extra second longer, the shortest second he ever had felt possible, before reluctantly releasing her. 

When his eyes found hers, he saw that they were dismayed, concerned. She put her hand on his cheek and he closed his eyes to her touch. He _really_ shouldn’t be here. He willed for his legs to move, to escape. But above all else, he _couldn’t_ leave, if only because she was so worried for him and he would do _anything_ to comfort her. Unless they were universes apart, he regretted _so_ _painfully_. So here she was, somehow standing in this very same universe with him, somehow touching him and comforting him and _needing_ to be comforted, to be assured that he was ok. How could he walk away now?

“You look…” she trailed off, struggling to find the words. Or perhaps so shocked by his sunken appearance and fractured demeanour that she was physically unable to find them. “What _happened_?”

“You know I can’t tell you that.”

“But I’m… I mean. I’m not there - “

“Rose, stop it - ”

“Doctor - “

“ _Please_.”

She conceded reluctantly, leaning her head against his chest. She wrapped her arms around his waist before decided she _wasn’t_ yet defeated. “But you’re older? I know that you’re older. So you’re not breaking any rules by telling me I’m no longer with you, because we both know I won’t be with you at some point and I don’t know _how_ _much_ older you are.”

She was right; Rose Tyler was excellent at reason, but especially in times where he needed her to be the most. He sighed and nodded because _technically_ , she was right. And he liked technically, _oh_ did he like technically when it meant just a moment longer with her.

She chuckled. She knew she was right, the smug cow. He smiled at the mere memory of her always being right. “You’ve got me there.”

“I always beat you at basic logic.”

“Now, I don’t think that’s _entirely_ true- “

“ _Always,_ ” she insisted.

He smiled and nodded. “Always.”

“So, c’mon. How long’s it been? How long have you had to suffer _relentlessly_ without me?” She put the back of her hand to her head dramatically in jest. But the sting was a little too sharp for that joke and he winced.

Her face dropped and she tilted her head. “My god. So it really is _that bad_?”

“I really should go- “

“No! Stay, please? He’s - you’re- whatever, the present-day-you’s- _ugh_ , _my-_ present-day-you’s being a bit miserable out there and I actually just really want my friend around.”

 _You little git,_ he thought. What was it about her and her wishes that he was so utterly powerless to resist, even after all these years? She knew he couldn’t say no to her asking him to stay. And _he really shouldn’t._

“Just _stay_ , tell me about it.”

He looked at her sternly. “Now Rose, come on.”

“But _why_ can’t you? Just, I won’t tell anyone! Promise. No reapers or paradoxical clones of myself, I’ll keep it to myself.”

“Ha. You do make me laugh. _You_ , keep something to _yourself_?”

“Oi! I hate gossip and you know it.” He raised an eyebrow and she retreated. “Ok fine, I love a good gossip. But don’t pretend you don’t either. I’ve seen you, chattin’ with mum on the phone.”

He pointed a finger at her. “Listen, she duped me on that one somehow!”

“ _Ah-ha_! I haven’t seen that yet, but I _knew_ you two would become friends someday.”

He yanked his finger back and stuffed his hands in his pockets. “There’s not many things I can tell you at this moment, Rose, but I can _assure_ you that me and your mother never become best chums.”

She raised her eyebrow back at him and he bowed his head. “Ok fine, if I was bored- and I mean _really_ bored because _you’d_ buggered off to bed, I would _occasionally_ call her- _she_ would call _me_ , and we’d watch _Unsolved Mysteries_ or _EastEnders_ or something. Just to pass the time, give me something to do, that’s _it_! Most of the time I’d just leave the phone on in the background and pretend I was listening, she never found out. Talks the hind legs off a donkey, your mother does.”

“Knew it,” she grinned smugly and he shook his head in disappointment. She straightened her face once more and carried on. “No, but, you _can_ stay. You can do that thing, right, with the memory? Like how I still don’t remember what happened to me on satellite 5 because you wiped my memory of it.”

“What are you suggesting?” He thought he knew the answer, but he was dreading she would confirm it.

“Just… do that to me again. Tonight?”

“Ha! _Fat_ chance of that!”

“Why not!”

“Nope. Never gonna happen.”

“God, you never change, do you?”

“What does _that_ mean?”

She threw her hands up in the air in exasperation. “You go out of your way and risk yourself to save others. To make others happy. But you’d never do it for yourself, would you?”

He scoffed. “I’m _not_ going to just wipe your mind so we can have a little bit of pillow talk.”

“I’m _telling_ you you can. I’m giving you my permission to do it!”

“And to that, I say thank you, but I politely decline.”

“ _God_ you’re annoying. You really piss me off sometimes, you know that?”

He grinned in response to her glare. But she wasn’t backing down, and what’s more, is that he didn't want her to. And also, she had that same look her mother had when he told her he couldn’t possibly take another slice of her homemade lasagne.

_Fuck it._

* * *

“So I’m alive but I’m _not_ with you?”

“Mmm.”

“Don’t believe you.”

“I’m being serious!”

“I _hate_ that you had me there for a second.”

“I swear it! I just can’t reach you, that’s all.”

She was lying on her back on the bed, her head resting on a pillow on one of his shins. For the most part, she was looking up at the ceiling when they spoke, but she would occasionally snap her head round to look at him when he’d say ludicrous things like she was alive but choosing not to be with him. He was leaning back against the headboard, eyes always on her. Taking her in, watching her smile and allowing it to saturate him with an indulgence so pure.

“That’s all? So you’re telling me I’m stuck somewhere you can’t get to and you expect me to say, “ _sounds about right, next._ ”?”

“Yep.”

“Have you _met_ me?”

“I know you well enough to know you you’re a stubborn little git sometimes.”

“Have you met _you_?”

“That would be quite hard, physically speaking.”

“What is it? Like, am I stuck in a box at the farthest corner of the universe?”

“God, I _wish_. Bit further I’m afraid.”

“So like, what, outside the _walls_ of this universe?”

“Rose- “

“Oh my god. It _is_ , isn’t it!”

“Just, stop asking me that!”

“You’ve got _carte blanche_ here Doctor, a free pass! Just tell me!”

“No!”

“Why!”

“Because it _hurts_!” he snapped, feeling that knot tighten in his chest. “It hurts, Rose. I _can’t_ say it. I can’t talk to you about the day I was _never_ able to see you again. I can’t talk to you about the fact that we woke up that morning and by that evening I was alone. I don’t _want_ to relive it; I don’t _want_ to talk about any of it! All the things left unsaid, all the things we could have done, could have _been_. This doesn’t change _anything_ for me, it won’t bring you back. I’m going to leave your room in the next few hours and it will be the _same_ for me. So I want to spend those next few hours with _you_. Don’t make me think about what happens after that, what I have to go back to after those hours are up!”

She jumped, scrambling to reach for his hand. “I’m sorry! Ok, ok! I’m _sorry_! I didn’t mean to-” she sighed and looked back at him just as she had before. He could see her torment, her sorrow at a grief he’s lived but one she has yet to. “This was always my worst fear; the thought of you being _alone,_ ” she whispered, gathering back up the strength to continue. “It breaks my heart.”

She closed her eyes, bringing his hand to her face and brushing his knuckles against her lips.

“Surely you could just do this again, though? Surely you could just keep turning up in my room every now and then, whenever you miss me, and wipe my memory each time -” her face dropped and she watched him carefully “ - oh my god. Has this already happened before? Is this some sort of _Groundhog Day_ thing?”

He laughed at that, loosening his tension. She always did have a special talent for that. “No, Rose. Believe it or not, I don’t just think “ _Hmm, I know what I fancy doing today. I’m going to see my friend 'cause I miss her and just wipe her memory of it afterwards and go on my merry way"._ ”

She chuckled before straightening her face and shrugging. “Your loss. Sounds like a win-win situation all 'round.”

“Sounds like a huge ethical _no-no_ all round.”

“Well, it would give _me_ peace of mind. Knowing that you’re never truly alone and that you _can_ have me around forever.”

He smiled. It was so _easy_ with her. He could so easily forget any and all of the torment he’s felt before, the torment he _will_ feel in the future. She could make a person forget that things like grief and suffering even existed. He tilted his head in wonderment. Twenty years old, this woman was. And she’d quite happily have her memories rewritten if it meant he could feel less lonely. He took her hand and squeezed it gently. “Rose Tyler? _Forever_? Nobody’s _that_ lucky.”

She smiled sadly back at him. She tugged on his arm to pull herself up and reach him, tucking her legs to her chest to curl tightly into his. She nudged her hair out of the way, blowing at it frustratingly when it got in the way of her face. He gently brushed it behind her ear before tracing the curves and angles of her face; the way her eyebrows framed her eyes and the smooth curve of her nose. She closed her eyes and hummed in content.

“I feel a bit like a cat.”

He tutted in disgust. “God, don’t say that. You know I hate cats.”

“Ok, I feel a bit like a lemur.”

“A _lemur_! Now I wouldn’t go that far. You’re lovely but you’re not a _lemur_.”

She giggled and he relished in the sound. Much to his dismay, she stopped and took a deep sigh.

“You confuse me so much, sometimes. Like this evening; we’d had a great day, finally got around to skiing on Coldstar, laughing and being silly you know. But then we get back, have a cup of tea and you sulk on over to fix something in the control room. Turned down our weekly cheesy film and nachos night - _Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift_ tonight! I _just_ don’t understand you. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bit more than a friend, sometimes I think you see me as a companion keeping you company. A great one at that, but still.”

He waved a hand in dismissal. “Oh, that one’s an idiot out there. Wouldn’t trust him to be consistent.”

“Oh don’t worry, I don’t trust him with consistency at all,” she scoffed. “Still hard, though.” She fiddled with his other hand, tracing his lifelines and creases. “How _do_ you feel?”

It was his turn to scoff. “Nice try. You’re not tricking me into a nice long chat about _feelings_ and _love languages_.”

“ _Or_ , I’m _not_ tricking you and I’m just giving you carte blanche again.”

“What in the world makes you think I want to talk to you about feelings? Do I _look_ like I’ve blossomed into this mentally-healthy, emotionally-mature specimen?”

“No. But you sound a bit like you’ve gotten even _worse_ than you are now. You’ve started shutting down more, I can hear it in you. Can see it in you. And you know how I feel about you not addressing your emotions or confronting your own darkness. So yes, I _am_ tricking you into a nice long chat about feelings and- well, maybe _not_ love languages, ‘cause all this shutting down isn’t good for you.”

“Want me to get the nail varnish, too? Got any more of those magazines with a _“what’s your Myers-Briggs personality type?”_ quiz we could do?”

“I mean, if you _want,_ but we don’t really _need_ them.”

He chuckled. God, he hated how easily she could make him cave into doing practically anything she wanted. She had this quality about her - perhaps it was only him who was sensitive to it but he _highly_ doubted that - that made people want to give her the world and all that was in it.

“He’s just… scared. That’s all.”

She sighed. “He’s gonna lose me, _wither and die_ and all that, yeah. I know. But tell me something else. Tell me something true, something real that you’re not hiding behind. Something you wouldn’t dare tell me in my normal, present day time with you, because you’re too afraid to let yourself be happy.”

He closed his eyes and rested his head on top of hers. “I don’t remember the time I took you to get a counselling certificate. Must be a result of this paradox I’m creating.”

“Funny that, _I_ don’t remember a time I didn't want to strangle you.”

“Probably should watch out for that, sounds a bit homicidal.”

“Yes, _do_ bear that in mind the next time you try to deflect and dodge my questions.”

He rolled his eyes, but she continued. “He’s never done this, you know. _This“ -_ she gestured to their pose - “but it seems quite, I dunno, natural to you somehow. Does something _ever_ happen between us?” 

He hesitated. It wasn’t like he _wanted_ to let her know he was too late, that she was snatched from him before he had the chance. “We _do_ do this a lot. At some point, I don’t know, we just fall into the habit of it. Start spending every night together- “

“Any kissing?”

“Hmm. Sometimes. The odd accidental snog every now and then.”

“Doesn’t sound much like me, my snogs are _never_ accidental.”

“Mine neither.”

She raised an eyebrow.

He tutted. “Ok, they _do_ happen. A bit too often, for my liking. Mostly they happen when _not_ instigated by me,” he defended.

“Like Madame de Pompadour.”

“ _Right_ in the hearts, thanks.”

“Did you sleep with her?”

“Is that what this was? A long con to get me to tell you what happened?”

“Is it working?”

He sighed. “No, Rose. Of course I didn’t sleep with her.”

“Did you want to?”

“Bloody hell, is this _Twenty Questions_?”

“Gotta get them in somehow. Not like I’m ever getting them from that miserable git in the console room. I wanna know.”

He groaned. “You’re _r_ _eally_ not gonna drop this, are you?”

“Fine. If you don’t say anything for 5 seconds, I’ll take that as a “ _no_ ” and move on. Ok?”

He didn’t answer her. He practically felt the glee emanating from her body.

“I thought you were gonna fall for that one,” she grinned _far_ too smugly.

“Sometimes I think you go _looking_ for fights with me.”

“Oh, _always_. I love getting under your skin, you know that.”

He stopped stroking her cheek and poked her in the arm. “Well, you’ve certainly got everywhere, you have. Right under my skin, sometimes I think every cell in my body is captured by you.”

“I can’t decide if that’s a compliment or a disdain.”

He shrugged. “Neither can I, to be honest. Sometimes it’s wonderful, sometimes it’s harrowing - ” she prodded his chest and he flinched - “oh, I wouldn’t change it for the world, though. All the good _and_ the bad of me and you.”

He could feel her hesitation, her holding back from something. He stroked her arm in encouragement, although whatever it was that she was contemplating saying was making his hearts beat a little too uncontrollably.

“Do I ever tell you how I feel? About you, I mean.”

He needed now more than ever to control those heartbeats. He smiled and kissed the top of her head. “Yes.”

She breathed out. “Well, that’s something. Always thought I’d chicken out at the last minute.”

“I think we can safely say that I’m the _king_ of chickening out, so we make a good team. It’s a wonder we got anything done.”

She yawned, and he _loathed_ that she was human right now. He despised it; it was the only thing stopping him from holding on to her longer, one last time.

She must have heard his thoughts; she had a special talent for that, too. “‘m not tired yet! Not ready to go to sleep, I promise!”

“Now, what would the other me say if he saw that you’d spent all night awake? You sleep through everything - sometimes you even sleep through our conversations, so he’d _know_ something was up.”

“Maybe I could tell him the truth. Maybe I could tell him I spent the night with another man.”

He laughed. “God, imagine how hard he’d try to find this man and fight him, only to discover it was him all along?”

“I would _love_ to see him pick a fight with himself. Like an _actual_ fight, throwing punches and everything.”

“I don’t think _I_ would. Sounds like an absolute disaster.”

She sighed wistfully. “Mmm. Maybe I could sit and watch, spray some oil over the both of you or something and you could take your shirts off-”

“Down, girl.”

She laughed but it much too quickly morphed into another yawn. His hearts dropped and he closed his eyes shut tight, _pleading_ for just a little longer. But of course, it would never be enough time with Rose. “It’s, what now, 4 o'clock in the morning for you? _Fast and furious: Tokyo Drift_ night means we go to Deva Loka tomorrow, and that’s a big one. Oh Rose, you’re gonna _love_ it. Especially because you seemed to get a kick out of me in an explorer’s hat.”

“No!”

“Oh it isn’t that bad; I took it off in the end - “

“You know what I mean.” She pulled herself away from him to look at him. There she was again, using those darn eyes of hers to make it impossible for him to say no.

“Stay with me?”

“Rose - “

“Just for tonight! Just until I fall asleep. Then you can - ” a wave of sadness washed over her face and she looked as though she might cry. _God no, please,_ _make that stop right now,_ he begged.

“I would stay with you until my last days, if I could.”

“Don’t. Please don’t say that. Because we both know you _can’t._ Just, stay with me now, because right now, you _can_. Will you at least do that for me?”

One last chance. A chance to be with her, to wrap himself around her and feel what it’s like to be home once more.

“There isn’t anything else I’d rather do.”

He cupped her face in his hands once more and she smiled softly. She pulled back the covers to bury herself inside, pulling him down to her by the opening of his shirt. He scooted up beside her and she settled into his arms so naturally because, really, it’s where she was always meant to be. Here with him, the him that was designed for her.

* * *

Extracting himself from her hold and slipping out that night might have been just about the hardest thing he’s ever had to do. Funny, really, how much pain and suffering the heart puts itself through at the chance to experience the smallest glimpse of happiness. It’s immeasurable, that happiness. A taste of it is worth a lifetime of sorrow. He did it, of course. He took those memories from her in the end, robbing her of this night. Added it to the ever-growing list of things he’s stolen from her, as he thinks about her agonising sobs on the beach still yet to come for her. Whatever happened that night to make him stumble upon her was incomprehensible, impossible, and he didn’t particularly want to ask the TARDIS what happened. Sometimes it’s better to not question things of splendour, how the universe works or what everything means. He had one more night with Rose Tyler, he got to hold her once more and whisper to her that he loved her so that she knew. So that, deep down, she would always know.


End file.
